Introducing the 彼氏 and the sweet boy

What should I start with....the Ex or the sweet boy. Well since the sweet boy is on my mind right now I will talk about him. So I met this guy through my best friend and he is unbelievably shy. Back to back shy dudes.....anyways, there is just something about him that just makes me want to take care of him. Or rather push him to see the person that's inside of him that he can be. I dont say any of this to him though because some dudes might take it the wrong and just be like I'm doing the best that I can and I am who I am, so I'll keep it to myself till the end. I just cant help it though. When I see something good in someone I just want to pull it out of them. I really want to do this to him because I just felt like I wanted to be honest with him because he spoke so honestly to me. Told me about all the girls before that always treated him like shit. So wrong! How could anyone do that! I just feel like I want to show him that good girls exist but I'm not doing that good of a job or rather, me with my inability to show affection and his shyness we equal just a mushy mess. Jeez, just my luck.

Which brings me to my next point. The Ex was the same way, super shy and a little too cocky for me. Didn't see it at first but later true colors showed. I really liked him but yet again, with his shyness and my inability to show affection it was doomed from the start. He wanted me to always be as excited as he was about having an international relationship with language exchange, but first and foremost for me a relationship is about person to person, human to human. Not teacher to student. I just wanted to know him as a person, but since I really would not allow myself to get all caught up in that girly, go crazy over your man, love syndrome most women go through at the start, it all just blew up. I think my problem is that I've watched so many of my friends throw themselves under a bus emotionally, for the sake of some crap guy's love, I just can't imagine doing that for some dude. The man gets everything( heart and body) and the woman gains nothing but some good, maybe not even that, some decent dick. I'm not gonna let someone do that to me. The only way I'm gonna be all real and a little more girly emotionally is if they show me a lot of affection first and I just learn to get used to it or they move me so much mentally that I would be willing to reach out and put myself out there. For now I wait. Another year of being around men I wanna hug, with my arms folded across my chest trying to hold back the urge to hug the person I want close. I'll just keep waiting for the future to be different.


p.s. here is a nice quote I found on fear of love


"We become so comfortable living the dream, that reality becomes scary. And when life presents you an opportunity we sometimes are afraid to chase after it. Where in our dream you are in control, in life we only have partial control."

-Chrmingo

No longer a Thundercat...more like a Puma

So......after my wild adventure that night I thought things between the person I had a crush on was still gonna be cool, but it didn't work out at all. I mean I had taken such a huge and I mean HUGE personal step and thought I really would haven been fine after but every time that I saw him I felt this great sense of failure. It started out small but then got bigger and bigger. I freakin destroyed the little girl inside of me that was afraid to show true affection towards a man and then to have see him every day and act like we were just cool was too much. It also didn't help that I was having issues with my very first boyfriend ever, best friend, and other life related stuff. Yeah btw I had a boyfriend overseas. It was a learning experience. I will talk about it more in a another post. Back to the issue at hand. Everything in the end just ended up just blowing up out of control. I mean we had gotten close and then I just suddenly stopped talkin to him but at the same time I thought it was mutual because he was going through his own stuff but appernently in the end it was mainly my fault because he really saw me as a really good friend and I hadnt realized that. But since I started making distance between us he just totally put me on the " Go jump off a bridge and die BITCH" list, there was no way I was gonna get off it so now I am where I am. I only wish he could know that the day I realized I fucked up everything between us I cried all day long ( I was in a girls bathroom crying like I was in some fucked up indie movie) and every night until I went home I cried. I felt totally empty by the time I went home. Every memory I had with him was rushing through my mind....... I don't know if he will ever listen to what I have to tell him. Sucks balls big time, especially since I'll be seeing him when I go back to school. awww the joys of the 20's... life lessons galore. Bring 'em on, because good or bad they all help shape me into the person I will be.

The Kitty has become a Thundercat!!!!!

Step by step one day at a time for now. Last night was probably one of the lowest moments I've had in awhile, but it was something I really had to do or I was going be to stuck where I was. I finally confessed but I did it while I was drunk and I feel bad about that but I'm so glad it happened. For the first time ever I liked someone, got close, then got rejected and I actually feel stronger after doing it. It just shows me that I'm capable of get close and even if things don't work out I can still be fine after. Every other time in the past I would feel totally and utterly destroyed after for the longest but this time it feels like such a great weight has been taken off me and I feel so Proud!!!! I can over come those things that I think are impossible and still go on.YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shout shout, let it all out!

I really dont want things to be the way that they are anymore so I'm get all of this off my chest. If I dont I know it will just keep eating me up inside and I won't be able to know him the way that I want to. So this is what I'm gonna say to him when I see him again:

I wanna ask you if we can just start over? Please forget everything that happened over the past year. I was really cold towards you and I dont want things to still be that way. I apologize and I really hope that things will be better this year.

THERE! Short, simple, and sweet. That's all I gotta say. Wish me luck and hey I'm off to Japan in a month from now!!!!! SO so SO excited!!!

I wonder why I'm always going to the left and not the right

I've been wondering lately why I cant ever get over my awkwardness with men I'm attracted to. Why can I talk to girls, gays, and men I'm not interested in so easily but thee other guys I cant seem to stop my mind from running all the what if scenarios.
This is how things usually go:
1. I meet a guy and I totally get that crazy butterfly feeling in my stomach and sometimes my knees even give out.LOL!
2. The guy feels that same gravitation feeling like I do and tries to talk to me, but I blow him off and make him think that I'm either an uppity Bit#$ or a super freak.
3. I constantly talk about wanting to talk to the guy with my friends but then it never goes anywhere. All talk and no action.
4. Then I finally convince myself that all my feelings for him have died and I can now be his friend. I tell him that I have always wanted to talk to him but never did and I'm glad that we're friends now.
5. Then he tells me that he's always liked me too, but then I cant get that feeling back and he becomes nothing but a friend to me or just someone that I kinda know.

But now I'm in this situation where I'm on step 3 and I really really don't want step four to happen. I mean out of all the guys I've met I can remember the day I met him most clearly and it has to be for some reason right and he's the only one that has told me that he likes me most when my hair is natural and it just pulls on my heart strings. Man this really sucks! It doesn't help that he has a girlfriend either! What am I to do?

hatsuka demo, ima 18sai kangerukana? I'm 20 but for somereason I feel 18

So right now I'm listening to LATE NIGHT ALUMNI- YOU CAN BE THE ONE at my friend's place and all I can think about is going home and crying. Fuck I'm back in the same damn situation that I'm in every DAMN time! I like someone I get rejected and then these guys that I'm totally not interested in come out of the wood works. Why cant I have my first pick. But I really dont know why im dwelling on it cuz I already know the answer without them saying it. NO. Where ever I go there I am. In this same damn situation. Even after the last two years of rejecting guys and accepting one I didnt really want. nothing has changed.

KNow how people say u need to know who you are before u can be with anyone and all I got to say to them is that I know who I am. I just dont know how to express it to others. Awwww fuck this I'm ready to get the fuck outta here and go to Japan next fall. Rant OVER!!!

sutekina yagata _ wonderful night

So alot and I mean alot has happened since I last blogged. Let's just start off with the bad and move forward to the good stuff. So for the longest I thought this guy I was intrested in was gay cause my gay friend said he was. Never listening to that advice again. I should of stuck to my guns and tried something cause it turned out that in the end he was not and he liked me AND now he has a girlfriend. Lord I'm so mad at myself. Oh and in other bad slash good news, I got a job but it is a total suck fest because half of my bosses like me and the other half don't not. I really wanna quit and not do retail work but right now I really don't have a choice but to stick it out.

So now to the good news. I have a lil ohana ( family in Hawaiian) at school. Luv em! They so nice to me and I learned how to skateboard. No longer will I be a poser if I can actually get some practice in if it ever stops raining. OH Oh but the really really REALLY good news is that me and my friend saw two shooting stars tonight. We both lil romantic hopeful virgins so of course we wished for a sweet someone to share are selves with. In this crazy face paced world that may seem like a far fetched dream, but I have to believe that there is someone out there for me and I don't have to give my body away to every potential guy that I meet. So I'm shouting my SOS into the darkness and I'm hoping that someone hears it. Hopefully.

oh and totally check out the indie movie DAKOTA SKYE!! it is so bitchin!! LOL JK, thats so 90's^___^

Snorting candy is most def bad for you : P

Been awhile since my last post. I was definetly in depression mode but now things are really lookin up. After my last post i went to the beach again and I swam with 3 seaturtles it was really cool. Said goodbye to my only female friend here and then that weekend gained a new guy friend. OOOhhhh, man has it been fun hangin out with him and my other friend. I might even post a vid of our fun night tonight on here..maybe. Anyways things are lookin up here. Having two people who know me is way better than a crap load that only know me from my surface traits. Oh and we're thinkin bout makin a film with our class before december. Let you know how things go. TTyl.

" I don't think you could handle me no matter how bad I want you to."

I'm stuck in a never ending cycle

I do this crazy thing where if I'm interested in someone I always think about other girls that are intrested in him too and how they are more suited to him than me. I always refer to them as "Genuine girls". Girls who are the center of attention and who are not afraid to say that they have an intrest in someone. Man I wish I had balls like them. I always clam up and come off as an up-tight bitch. I'm to scared to take a risk and put myself out there. I always get rejected and then I get all these others guys intrested in me that I have no intrest in. I know I sound cold, not giving them a chance at all, but I don't function like that. If I'm not physically attracted to you then there really is no chance. I'm like a guy. I think with my eyes and then my heart follows after. Anyways this is my endless cylce. I get intrested in someone, doubt that they could have an intrest in me too, then I meet a new guy and do it all over again. Someone help me stop this cycle! I don't wanna keep doing this through my 20s.

I had a crazy dream the other night. Crazy but cute. So I was in this rocket ship that looked like a Rubik's cube listening to spice girls and playing uno with this guy I have a crush on. It even had the old school Star trek control panel. I was laughing so hard when I woke up. Eating an insane amount of candy before sleeping is REALLY not a good idea. ^o^

So I wanna back track to my previous post about needing some human contact really bad. I've noticed lately that when I look back at my dreams about crushes I've had I have never dreamed about kissing and etc with them. EVER! The only thing I really do is hang out with them and do a lot of hugging. I dream about kissing celebrities but never real guys. It is so strange. Just felt like blogging about that. I don't know maybe that means I have too much of an affinity towards fantasies rather than connecting with reality.

AAaaahhh well until next time

Any one have some free hugs? ^_^

I was feelin like I was havin withdrawal earlier this week, but now...i can barely handle it. I need some human contact. Some tender lovin cuddle time. I mean i was wanting to cuddle so bad that I was really REALLY lookin forward to my body pillow coming in the mail. pathetic. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. There is no way that I'm gonna have an opportunity anytime soon cuz I'm really lookin like a hot mess scrub. I HATE IT. Gotta try and keep my cool until friday. That's when my magic box of hair goods and beauty comes. THEN I'll be on my game and THEN maybe I can get my much needed cuddle time with a lil cutie. Till then. : )

I'm IN HAWAII

Finally a new place to start fresh and meet new people only problem is that just like my mother said "where ever you go there you are"is definitely the case here. So I already have a sort of crush on this guy in my class and just like always I play the friend card. Aggghhh I moved over 2600 miles away from home but my same bad habits of not putting myself out there and thinking of all the reasons why i shouldn't try are still with me. Well i cant lose hope yet cuz it is still only the first week of school, so I'll post another blog when and if something happens. Good or bad I will write about it. toodles ^o^

Would you want an EPIC LOVE?

So just got done watching this anime series in which these two star-crossed lovers can only be with each other every 12,000 years. I know people wish for that once in a life time kind of love like romeo and Juliet or Superman in Louise lane. But I'm starting to think that kind of love is just crazy impossible to handle. I mean maybe if I had experienced love that moved me to the core of me soul I would feel differently, but I still don't even know then.

sorry i just ended up blabbing. The whole 12,000 thing was just mind boggling to me.

Iz so good to be BACK!

It was amazing. Twilight is cute but Trueblood is just GOT-dang SEXxY!!!

Yattttttaaaa!!! ( I Did it! Japanese)

So I was just on yesterday wishing something would happen and now today I got great news............
I've been accepted at the University of Hawaii! I cant wait to go!

Will grow but never bloom again

So much has happened today. I mean ALOT. But it is so sad the things I call exciting makes my life sound really boring. I saw a deer, went for a walk with my friend, had my car egged, and saw a pretty huge fire down town where i work. Actually that last one was big, but besides that every thing is pretty mundane . Sometimes I wish my life could be more on track than it is right now. I've graduated from high school and community college, great accomplishments but now I'm just stuck waiting for something to happen. Well I think i might actually be waiting for some one to come more than anything. I just want to connect with someone. I mean I'm glad that I have the friends that I do but you know i cant be intimate with the way I could be with a guy. I'm the only one who has not had a real boyfriend. I just don't know how to connect with them and the last couple of times I have they either a) still love someone else b) like someone else or c) are dating someone else. I just wanna meet a guy who could be my friend and then possibly my boyfriend. I just feel I deserve it. I've done whats right my whole life, been the GOOD GIRL. Never caused problems for my parents, got a job, help pay for things, graduated. UGGHHHHhhhhh!!! Maybe I just need a hug.

The Dream Has been realized

Happy Happy NEw YeAR Folks

So I hope that the lord blesses me with a great year ahead. Maybe I'll meet new people and learn so much needed life lessons when I move to Hawaii and let everything go good for my friend and her baby. May things work out and she finally finds that family she's been looking for. God Bless all the people in my life and all his beautiful creatures on earth. Have a great year 2009.....HERE WE COME!!!@^%$#^#@%#^

"The Holiday" Insepration

As I lay upon my couch
Looking at the black screen
As the credits role by
And the symphony plays loud
My heart lets out a great sigh
Why cant I be the leading lady
Of my own life
Instead of watching it all fly by
Why cant I raise my voice
And speak the perfect lines
To make the world understand
Why I am the way I am
I hope and I pray everyday
That someone will play the part
No longer will I stand alone
For someone could be them
Admirer, lover, friend
All in one package
The leading man

Birthday November 23, 1989

So if you remember how I said before I always meet these guys that are hella into me and I'm only sorta into them, well I meet one on Halloween and I've been seeing him the past couple of weeks. Itz been......interesting. He likes me for me and all I want to do is change him into what I want. I love Hugh Jackman and he totally has that kind,sweet, and accepting soul just like Hugh, but I never get really excited when I see him. I never act like myself because the one time I did he said everything is cool but it wasn't. You know you can just tell in someone's voice when they're telling little white lies. It was totally obvious.

Through out this whole thing I've realized that I'm just like this song when it comes to guys. Of all the guys I've been on dates on I could never see myself being truly happy and free. But hey I'm only nineteen (TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!^___^). Maybe I should just date and maybe when itz really time things will just fall into place.

Oh! P.S. here's that song I was talking about.

Amiel: I dont want to be your girl


I'd like to hang around and have a good time
But I don't want to be your girl
I'd like to sit around, talk of the times
But I don't want to be your girl
I'd like to hold on to you, whisper those lines
But I don't want to be your girl
I'd like to melt into you, share of my mind
But I don't want to be your girl

No, I don't want to be your girl
No, I don't want to be your girl

I'd like to hang around and have a good time
But I don't want to be the one
I'd like to sit around, talk of the times
But I don't want to be the one
I'd like to melt into you, worship the stars
But I don't want to be the one
I'd like to sing to you, sing you to sleep
But I don't want to be the one

No, I don't want to be the one
I'm on my way
I'm not gonna fall like a fool today
Now, I'm on my way
No, I'm not gonna fall like a fool today
Like a fool today

What would you say if I said I was trouble
What would you say if I said I'm only gonna walk away
Now I don't want to cause you hurt and trouble
But I'm flying free so I'll be on my way

Cause I'm on my way
I'm not gonna fall like a fool today
Ohh, I'm on my way
No, I'm not gonna fall like a fool today
Like a fool today
I'll be on my way
Like a fool today
I'm on my way, on my way, on my way