Shout shout, let it all out!

I really dont want things to be the way that they are anymore so I'm get all of this off my chest. If I dont I know it will just keep eating me up inside and I won't be able to know him the way that I want to. So this is what I'm gonna say to him when I see him again:

I wanna ask you if we can just start over? Please forget everything that happened over the past year. I was really cold towards you and I dont want things to still be that way. I apologize and I really hope that things will be better this year.

THERE! Short, simple, and sweet. That's all I gotta say. Wish me luck and hey I'm off to Japan in a month from now!!!!! SO so SO excited!!!

I wonder why I'm always going to the left and not the right

I've been wondering lately why I cant ever get over my awkwardness with men I'm attracted to. Why can I talk to girls, gays, and men I'm not interested in so easily but thee other guys I cant seem to stop my mind from running all the what if scenarios.
This is how things usually go:
1. I meet a guy and I totally get that crazy butterfly feeling in my stomach and sometimes my knees even give out.LOL!
2. The guy feels that same gravitation feeling like I do and tries to talk to me, but I blow him off and make him think that I'm either an uppity Bit#$ or a super freak.
3. I constantly talk about wanting to talk to the guy with my friends but then it never goes anywhere. All talk and no action.
4. Then I finally convince myself that all my feelings for him have died and I can now be his friend. I tell him that I have always wanted to talk to him but never did and I'm glad that we're friends now.
5. Then he tells me that he's always liked me too, but then I cant get that feeling back and he becomes nothing but a friend to me or just someone that I kinda know.

But now I'm in this situation where I'm on step 3 and I really really don't want step four to happen. I mean out of all the guys I've met I can remember the day I met him most clearly and it has to be for some reason right and he's the only one that has told me that he likes me most when my hair is natural and it just pulls on my heart strings. Man this really sucks! It doesn't help that he has a girlfriend either! What am I to do?

hatsuka demo, ima 18sai kangerukana? I'm 20 but for somereason I feel 18

So right now I'm listening to LATE NIGHT ALUMNI- YOU CAN BE THE ONE at my friend's place and all I can think about is going home and crying. Fuck I'm back in the same damn situation that I'm in every DAMN time! I like someone I get rejected and then these guys that I'm totally not interested in come out of the wood works. Why cant I have my first pick. But I really dont know why im dwelling on it cuz I already know the answer without them saying it. NO. Where ever I go there I am. In this same damn situation. Even after the last two years of rejecting guys and accepting one I didnt really want. nothing has changed.

KNow how people say u need to know who you are before u can be with anyone and all I got to say to them is that I know who I am. I just dont know how to express it to others. Awwww fuck this I'm ready to get the fuck outta here and go to Japan next fall. Rant OVER!!!

sutekina yagata _ wonderful night

So alot and I mean alot has happened since I last blogged. Let's just start off with the bad and move forward to the good stuff. So for the longest I thought this guy I was intrested in was gay cause my gay friend said he was. Never listening to that advice again. I should of stuck to my guns and tried something cause it turned out that in the end he was not and he liked me AND now he has a girlfriend. Lord I'm so mad at myself. Oh and in other bad slash good news, I got a job but it is a total suck fest because half of my bosses like me and the other half don't not. I really wanna quit and not do retail work but right now I really don't have a choice but to stick it out.

So now to the good news. I have a lil ohana ( family in Hawaiian) at school. Luv em! They so nice to me and I learned how to skateboard. No longer will I be a poser if I can actually get some practice in if it ever stops raining. OH Oh but the really really REALLY good news is that me and my friend saw two shooting stars tonight. We both lil romantic hopeful virgins so of course we wished for a sweet someone to share are selves with. In this crazy face paced world that may seem like a far fetched dream, but I have to believe that there is someone out there for me and I don't have to give my body away to every potential guy that I meet. So I'm shouting my SOS into the darkness and I'm hoping that someone hears it. Hopefully.

oh and totally check out the indie movie DAKOTA SKYE!! it is so bitchin!! LOL JK, thats so 90's^___^

Snorting candy is most def bad for you : P

Been awhile since my last post. I was definetly in depression mode but now things are really lookin up. After my last post i went to the beach again and I swam with 3 seaturtles it was really cool. Said goodbye to my only female friend here and then that weekend gained a new guy friend. OOOhhhh, man has it been fun hangin out with him and my other friend. I might even post a vid of our fun night tonight on here..maybe. Anyways things are lookin up here. Having two people who know me is way better than a crap load that only know me from my surface traits. Oh and we're thinkin bout makin a film with our class before december. Let you know how things go. TTyl.

" I don't think you could handle me no matter how bad I want you to."

I'm stuck in a never ending cycle

I do this crazy thing where if I'm interested in someone I always think about other girls that are intrested in him too and how they are more suited to him than me. I always refer to them as "Genuine girls". Girls who are the center of attention and who are not afraid to say that they have an intrest in someone. Man I wish I had balls like them. I always clam up and come off as an up-tight bitch. I'm to scared to take a risk and put myself out there. I always get rejected and then I get all these others guys intrested in me that I have no intrest in. I know I sound cold, not giving them a chance at all, but I don't function like that. If I'm not physically attracted to you then there really is no chance. I'm like a guy. I think with my eyes and then my heart follows after. Anyways this is my endless cylce. I get intrested in someone, doubt that they could have an intrest in me too, then I meet a new guy and do it all over again. Someone help me stop this cycle! I don't wanna keep doing this through my 20s.

I had a crazy dream the other night. Crazy but cute. So I was in this rocket ship that looked like a Rubik's cube listening to spice girls and playing uno with this guy I have a crush on. It even had the old school Star trek control panel. I was laughing so hard when I woke up. Eating an insane amount of candy before sleeping is REALLY not a good idea. ^o^

So I wanna back track to my previous post about needing some human contact really bad. I've noticed lately that when I look back at my dreams about crushes I've had I have never dreamed about kissing and etc with them. EVER! The only thing I really do is hang out with them and do a lot of hugging. I dream about kissing celebrities but never real guys. It is so strange. Just felt like blogging about that. I don't know maybe that means I have too much of an affinity towards fantasies rather than connecting with reality.

AAaaahhh well until next time