hatsuka demo, ima 18sai kangerukana? I'm 20 but for somereason I feel 18

So right now I'm listening to LATE NIGHT ALUMNI- YOU CAN BE THE ONE at my friend's place and all I can think about is going home and crying. Fuck I'm back in the same damn situation that I'm in every DAMN time! I like someone I get rejected and then these guys that I'm totally not interested in come out of the wood works. Why cant I have my first pick. But I really dont know why im dwelling on it cuz I already know the answer without them saying it. NO. Where ever I go there I am. In this same damn situation. Even after the last two years of rejecting guys and accepting one I didnt really want. nothing has changed.

KNow how people say u need to know who you are before u can be with anyone and all I got to say to them is that I know who I am. I just dont know how to express it to others. Awwww fuck this I'm ready to get the fuck outta here and go to Japan next fall. Rant OVER!!!

sutekina yagata _ wonderful night

So alot and I mean alot has happened since I last blogged. Let's just start off with the bad and move forward to the good stuff. So for the longest I thought this guy I was intrested in was gay cause my gay friend said he was. Never listening to that advice again. I should of stuck to my guns and tried something cause it turned out that in the end he was not and he liked me AND now he has a girlfriend. Lord I'm so mad at myself. Oh and in other bad slash good news, I got a job but it is a total suck fest because half of my bosses like me and the other half don't not. I really wanna quit and not do retail work but right now I really don't have a choice but to stick it out.

So now to the good news. I have a lil ohana ( family in Hawaiian) at school. Luv em! They so nice to me and I learned how to skateboard. No longer will I be a poser if I can actually get some practice in if it ever stops raining. OH Oh but the really really REALLY good news is that me and my friend saw two shooting stars tonight. We both lil romantic hopeful virgins so of course we wished for a sweet someone to share are selves with. In this crazy face paced world that may seem like a far fetched dream, but I have to believe that there is someone out there for me and I don't have to give my body away to every potential guy that I meet. So I'm shouting my SOS into the darkness and I'm hoping that someone hears it. Hopefully.

oh and totally check out the indie movie DAKOTA SKYE!! it is so bitchin!! LOL JK, thats so 90's^___^

Snorting candy is most def bad for you : P

Been awhile since my last post. I was definetly in depression mode but now things are really lookin up. After my last post i went to the beach again and I swam with 3 seaturtles it was really cool. Said goodbye to my only female friend here and then that weekend gained a new guy friend. OOOhhhh, man has it been fun hangin out with him and my other friend. I might even post a vid of our fun night tonight on here..maybe. Anyways things are lookin up here. Having two people who know me is way better than a crap load that only know me from my surface traits. Oh and we're thinkin bout makin a film with our class before december. Let you know how things go. TTyl.

" I don't think you could handle me no matter how bad I want you to."

I'm stuck in a never ending cycle

I do this crazy thing where if I'm interested in someone I always think about other girls that are intrested in him too and how they are more suited to him than me. I always refer to them as "Genuine girls". Girls who are the center of attention and who are not afraid to say that they have an intrest in someone. Man I wish I had balls like them. I always clam up and come off as an up-tight bitch. I'm to scared to take a risk and put myself out there. I always get rejected and then I get all these others guys intrested in me that I have no intrest in. I know I sound cold, not giving them a chance at all, but I don't function like that. If I'm not physically attracted to you then there really is no chance. I'm like a guy. I think with my eyes and then my heart follows after. Anyways this is my endless cylce. I get intrested in someone, doubt that they could have an intrest in me too, then I meet a new guy and do it all over again. Someone help me stop this cycle! I don't wanna keep doing this through my 20s.

I had a crazy dream the other night. Crazy but cute. So I was in this rocket ship that looked like a Rubik's cube listening to spice girls and playing uno with this guy I have a crush on. It even had the old school Star trek control panel. I was laughing so hard when I woke up. Eating an insane amount of candy before sleeping is REALLY not a good idea. ^o^

So I wanna back track to my previous post about needing some human contact really bad. I've noticed lately that when I look back at my dreams about crushes I've had I have never dreamed about kissing and etc with them. EVER! The only thing I really do is hang out with them and do a lot of hugging. I dream about kissing celebrities but never real guys. It is so strange. Just felt like blogging about that. I don't know maybe that means I have too much of an affinity towards fantasies rather than connecting with reality.

AAaaahhh well until next time

Any one have some free hugs? ^_^

I was feelin like I was havin withdrawal earlier this week, but now...i can barely handle it. I need some human contact. Some tender lovin cuddle time. I mean i was wanting to cuddle so bad that I was really REALLY lookin forward to my body pillow coming in the mail. pathetic. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. There is no way that I'm gonna have an opportunity anytime soon cuz I'm really lookin like a hot mess scrub. I HATE IT. Gotta try and keep my cool until friday. That's when my magic box of hair goods and beauty comes. THEN I'll be on my game and THEN maybe I can get my much needed cuddle time with a lil cutie. Till then. : )

I'm IN HAWAII

Finally a new place to start fresh and meet new people only problem is that just like my mother said "where ever you go there you are"is definitely the case here. So I already have a sort of crush on this guy in my class and just like always I play the friend card. Aggghhh I moved over 2600 miles away from home but my same bad habits of not putting myself out there and thinking of all the reasons why i shouldn't try are still with me. Well i cant lose hope yet cuz it is still only the first week of school, so I'll post another blog when and if something happens. Good or bad I will write about it. toodles ^o^

Would you want an EPIC LOVE?

So just got done watching this anime series in which these two star-crossed lovers can only be with each other every 12,000 years. I know people wish for that once in a life time kind of love like romeo and Juliet or Superman in Louise lane. But I'm starting to think that kind of love is just crazy impossible to handle. I mean maybe if I had experienced love that moved me to the core of me soul I would feel differently, but I still don't even know then.

sorry i just ended up blabbing. The whole 12,000 thing was just mind boggling to me.

Iz so good to be BACK!

It was amazing. Twilight is cute but Trueblood is just GOT-dang SEXxY!!!

Yattttttaaaa!!! ( I Did it! Japanese)

So I was just on yesterday wishing something would happen and now today I got great news............
I've been accepted at the University of Hawaii! I cant wait to go!

Will grow but never bloom again

So much has happened today. I mean ALOT. But it is so sad the things I call exciting makes my life sound really boring. I saw a deer, went for a walk with my friend, had my car egged, and saw a pretty huge fire down town where i work. Actually that last one was big, but besides that every thing is pretty mundane . Sometimes I wish my life could be more on track than it is right now. I've graduated from high school and community college, great accomplishments but now I'm just stuck waiting for something to happen. Well I think i might actually be waiting for some one to come more than anything. I just want to connect with someone. I mean I'm glad that I have the friends that I do but you know i cant be intimate with the way I could be with a guy. I'm the only one who has not had a real boyfriend. I just don't know how to connect with them and the last couple of times I have they either a) still love someone else b) like someone else or c) are dating someone else. I just wanna meet a guy who could be my friend and then possibly my boyfriend. I just feel I deserve it. I've done whats right my whole life, been the GOOD GIRL. Never caused problems for my parents, got a job, help pay for things, graduated. UGGHHHHhhhhh!!! Maybe I just need a hug.

The Dream Has been realized