Introducing the 彼氏 and the sweet boy

What should I start with....the Ex or the sweet boy. Well since the sweet boy is on my mind right now I will talk about him. So I met this guy through my best friend and he is unbelievably shy. Back to back shy dudes.....anyways, there is just something about him that just makes me want to take care of him. Or rather push him to see the person that's inside of him that he can be. I dont say any of this to him though because some dudes might take it the wrong and just be like I'm doing the best that I can and I am who I am, so I'll keep it to myself till the end. I just cant help it though. When I see something good in someone I just want to pull it out of them. I really want to do this to him because I just felt like I wanted to be honest with him because he spoke so honestly to me. Told me about all the girls before that always treated him like shit. So wrong! How could anyone do that! I just feel like I want to show him that good girls exist but I'm not doing that good of a job or rather, me with my inability to show affection and his shyness we equal just a mushy mess. Jeez, just my luck.

Which brings me to my next point. The Ex was the same way, super shy and a little too cocky for me. Didn't see it at first but later true colors showed. I really liked him but yet again, with his shyness and my inability to show affection it was doomed from the start. He wanted me to always be as excited as he was about having an international relationship with language exchange, but first and foremost for me a relationship is about person to person, human to human. Not teacher to student. I just wanted to know him as a person, but since I really would not allow myself to get all caught up in that girly, go crazy over your man, love syndrome most women go through at the start, it all just blew up. I think my problem is that I've watched so many of my friends throw themselves under a bus emotionally, for the sake of some crap guy's love, I just can't imagine doing that for some dude. The man gets everything( heart and body) and the woman gains nothing but some good, maybe not even that, some decent dick. I'm not gonna let someone do that to me. The only way I'm gonna be all real and a little more girly emotionally is if they show me a lot of affection first and I just learn to get used to it or they move me so much mentally that I would be willing to reach out and put myself out there. For now I wait. Another year of being around men I wanna hug, with my arms folded across my chest trying to hold back the urge to hug the person I want close. I'll just keep waiting for the future to be different.


p.s. here is a nice quote I found on fear of love


"We become so comfortable living the dream, that reality becomes scary. And when life presents you an opportunity we sometimes are afraid to chase after it. Where in our dream you are in control, in life we only have partial control."

-Chrmingo

No longer a Thundercat...more like a Puma

So......after my wild adventure that night I thought things between the person I had a crush on was still gonna be cool, but it didn't work out at all. I mean I had taken such a huge and I mean HUGE personal step and thought I really would haven been fine after but every time that I saw him I felt this great sense of failure. It started out small but then got bigger and bigger. I freakin destroyed the little girl inside of me that was afraid to show true affection towards a man and then to have see him every day and act like we were just cool was too much. It also didn't help that I was having issues with my very first boyfriend ever, best friend, and other life related stuff. Yeah btw I had a boyfriend overseas. It was a learning experience. I will talk about it more in a another post. Back to the issue at hand. Everything in the end just ended up just blowing up out of control. I mean we had gotten close and then I just suddenly stopped talkin to him but at the same time I thought it was mutual because he was going through his own stuff but appernently in the end it was mainly my fault because he really saw me as a really good friend and I hadnt realized that. But since I started making distance between us he just totally put me on the " Go jump off a bridge and die BITCH" list, there was no way I was gonna get off it so now I am where I am. I only wish he could know that the day I realized I fucked up everything between us I cried all day long ( I was in a girls bathroom crying like I was in some fucked up indie movie) and every night until I went home I cried. I felt totally empty by the time I went home. Every memory I had with him was rushing through my mind....... I don't know if he will ever listen to what I have to tell him. Sucks balls big time, especially since I'll be seeing him when I go back to school. awww the joys of the 20's... life lessons galore. Bring 'em on, because good or bad they all help shape me into the person I will be.

The Kitty has become a Thundercat!!!!!

Step by step one day at a time for now. Last night was probably one of the lowest moments I've had in awhile, but it was something I really had to do or I was going be to stuck where I was. I finally confessed but I did it while I was drunk and I feel bad about that but I'm so glad it happened. For the first time ever I liked someone, got close, then got rejected and I actually feel stronger after doing it. It just shows me that I'm capable of get close and even if things don't work out I can still be fine after. Every other time in the past I would feel totally and utterly destroyed after for the longest but this time it feels like such a great weight has been taken off me and I feel so Proud!!!! I can over come those things that I think are impossible and still go on.YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shout shout, let it all out!

I really dont want things to be the way that they are anymore so I'm get all of this off my chest. If I dont I know it will just keep eating me up inside and I won't be able to know him the way that I want to. So this is what I'm gonna say to him when I see him again:

I wanna ask you if we can just start over? Please forget everything that happened over the past year. I was really cold towards you and I dont want things to still be that way. I apologize and I really hope that things will be better this year.

THERE! Short, simple, and sweet. That's all I gotta say. Wish me luck and hey I'm off to Japan in a month from now!!!!! SO so SO excited!!!

I wonder why I'm always going to the left and not the right

I've been wondering lately why I cant ever get over my awkwardness with men I'm attracted to. Why can I talk to girls, gays, and men I'm not interested in so easily but thee other guys I cant seem to stop my mind from running all the what if scenarios.
This is how things usually go:
1. I meet a guy and I totally get that crazy butterfly feeling in my stomach and sometimes my knees even give out.LOL!
2. The guy feels that same gravitation feeling like I do and tries to talk to me, but I blow him off and make him think that I'm either an uppity Bit#$ or a super freak.
3. I constantly talk about wanting to talk to the guy with my friends but then it never goes anywhere. All talk and no action.
4. Then I finally convince myself that all my feelings for him have died and I can now be his friend. I tell him that I have always wanted to talk to him but never did and I'm glad that we're friends now.
5. Then he tells me that he's always liked me too, but then I cant get that feeling back and he becomes nothing but a friend to me or just someone that I kinda know.

But now I'm in this situation where I'm on step 3 and I really really don't want step four to happen. I mean out of all the guys I've met I can remember the day I met him most clearly and it has to be for some reason right and he's the only one that has told me that he likes me most when my hair is natural and it just pulls on my heart strings. Man this really sucks! It doesn't help that he has a girlfriend either! What am I to do?

hatsuka demo, ima 18sai kangerukana? I'm 20 but for somereason I feel 18

So right now I'm listening to LATE NIGHT ALUMNI- YOU CAN BE THE ONE at my friend's place and all I can think about is going home and crying. Fuck I'm back in the same damn situation that I'm in every DAMN time! I like someone I get rejected and then these guys that I'm totally not interested in come out of the wood works. Why cant I have my first pick. But I really dont know why im dwelling on it cuz I already know the answer without them saying it. NO. Where ever I go there I am. In this same damn situation. Even after the last two years of rejecting guys and accepting one I didnt really want. nothing has changed.

KNow how people say u need to know who you are before u can be with anyone and all I got to say to them is that I know who I am. I just dont know how to express it to others. Awwww fuck this I'm ready to get the fuck outta here and go to Japan next fall. Rant OVER!!!

sutekina yagata _ wonderful night

So alot and I mean alot has happened since I last blogged. Let's just start off with the bad and move forward to the good stuff. So for the longest I thought this guy I was intrested in was gay cause my gay friend said he was. Never listening to that advice again. I should of stuck to my guns and tried something cause it turned out that in the end he was not and he liked me AND now he has a girlfriend. Lord I'm so mad at myself. Oh and in other bad slash good news, I got a job but it is a total suck fest because half of my bosses like me and the other half don't not. I really wanna quit and not do retail work but right now I really don't have a choice but to stick it out.

So now to the good news. I have a lil ohana ( family in Hawaiian) at school. Luv em! They so nice to me and I learned how to skateboard. No longer will I be a poser if I can actually get some practice in if it ever stops raining. OH Oh but the really really REALLY good news is that me and my friend saw two shooting stars tonight. We both lil romantic hopeful virgins so of course we wished for a sweet someone to share are selves with. In this crazy face paced world that may seem like a far fetched dream, but I have to believe that there is someone out there for me and I don't have to give my body away to every potential guy that I meet. So I'm shouting my SOS into the darkness and I'm hoping that someone hears it. Hopefully.

oh and totally check out the indie movie DAKOTA SKYE!! it is so bitchin!! LOL JK, thats so 90's^___^