Introducing the 彼氏 and the sweet boy

What should I start with....the Ex or the sweet boy. Well since the sweet boy is on my mind right now I will talk about him. So I met this guy through my best friend and he is unbelievably shy. Back to back shy dudes.....anyways, there is just something about him that just makes me want to take care of him. Or rather push him to see the person that's inside of him that he can be. I dont say any of this to him though because some dudes might take it the wrong and just be like I'm doing the best that I can and I am who I am, so I'll keep it to myself till the end. I just cant help it though. When I see something good in someone I just want to pull it out of them. I really want to do this to him because I just felt like I wanted to be honest with him because he spoke so honestly to me. Told me about all the girls before that always treated him like shit. So wrong! How could anyone do that! I just feel like I want to show him that good girls exist but I'm not doing that good of a job or rather, me with my inability to show affection and his shyness we equal just a mushy mess. Jeez, just my luck.

Which brings me to my next point. The Ex was the same way, super shy and a little too cocky for me. Didn't see it at first but later true colors showed. I really liked him but yet again, with his shyness and my inability to show affection it was doomed from the start. He wanted me to always be as excited as he was about having an international relationship with language exchange, but first and foremost for me a relationship is about person to person, human to human. Not teacher to student. I just wanted to know him as a person, but since I really would not allow myself to get all caught up in that girly, go crazy over your man, love syndrome most women go through at the start, it all just blew up. I think my problem is that I've watched so many of my friends throw themselves under a bus emotionally, for the sake of some crap guy's love, I just can't imagine doing that for some dude. The man gets everything( heart and body) and the woman gains nothing but some good, maybe not even that, some decent dick. I'm not gonna let someone do that to me. The only way I'm gonna be all real and a little more girly emotionally is if they show me a lot of affection first and I just learn to get used to it or they move me so much mentally that I would be willing to reach out and put myself out there. For now I wait. Another year of being around men I wanna hug, with my arms folded across my chest trying to hold back the urge to hug the person I want close. I'll just keep waiting for the future to be different.


p.s. here is a nice quote I found on fear of love


"We become so comfortable living the dream, that reality becomes scary. And when life presents you an opportunity we sometimes are afraid to chase after it. Where in our dream you are in control, in life we only have partial control."

-Chrmingo

No longer a Thundercat...more like a Puma

So......after my wild adventure that night I thought things between the person I had a crush on was still gonna be cool, but it didn't work out at all. I mean I had taken such a huge and I mean HUGE personal step and thought I really would haven been fine after but every time that I saw him I felt this great sense of failure. It started out small but then got bigger and bigger. I freakin destroyed the little girl inside of me that was afraid to show true affection towards a man and then to have see him every day and act like we were just cool was too much. It also didn't help that I was having issues with my very first boyfriend ever, best friend, and other life related stuff. Yeah btw I had a boyfriend overseas. It was a learning experience. I will talk about it more in a another post. Back to the issue at hand. Everything in the end just ended up just blowing up out of control. I mean we had gotten close and then I just suddenly stopped talkin to him but at the same time I thought it was mutual because he was going through his own stuff but appernently in the end it was mainly my fault because he really saw me as a really good friend and I hadnt realized that. But since I started making distance between us he just totally put me on the " Go jump off a bridge and die BITCH" list, there was no way I was gonna get off it so now I am where I am. I only wish he could know that the day I realized I fucked up everything between us I cried all day long ( I was in a girls bathroom crying like I was in some fucked up indie movie) and every night until I went home I cried. I felt totally empty by the time I went home. Every memory I had with him was rushing through my mind....... I don't know if he will ever listen to what I have to tell him. Sucks balls big time, especially since I'll be seeing him when I go back to school. awww the joys of the 20's... life lessons galore. Bring 'em on, because good or bad they all help shape me into the person I will be.

The Kitty has become a Thundercat!!!!!

Step by step one day at a time for now. Last night was probably one of the lowest moments I've had in awhile, but it was something I really had to do or I was going be to stuck where I was. I finally confessed but I did it while I was drunk and I feel bad about that but I'm so glad it happened. For the first time ever I liked someone, got close, then got rejected and I actually feel stronger after doing it. It just shows me that I'm capable of get close and even if things don't work out I can still be fine after. Every other time in the past I would feel totally and utterly destroyed after for the longest but this time it feels like such a great weight has been taken off me and I feel so Proud!!!! I can over come those things that I think are impossible and still go on.YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!