What should I start with....the Ex or the sweet boy. Well since the sweet boy is on my mind right now I will talk about him. So I met this guy through my best friend and he is unbelievably shy. Back to back shy dudes.....anyways, there is just something about him that just makes me want to take care of him. Or rather push him to see the person that's inside of him that he can be. I dont say any of this to him though because some dudes might take it the wrong and just be like I'm doing the best that I can and I am who I am, so I'll keep it to myself till the end. I just cant help it though. When I see something good in someone I just want to pull it out of them. I really want to do this to him because I just felt like I wanted to be honest with him because he spoke so honestly to me. Told me about all the girls before that always treated him like shit. So wrong! How could anyone do that! I just feel like I want to show him that good girls exist but I'm not doing that good of a job or rather, me with my inability to show affection and his shyness we equal just a mushy mess. Jeez, just my luck.
Which brings me to my next point. The Ex was the same way, super shy and a little too cocky for me. Didn't see it at first but later true colors showed. I really liked him but yet again, with his shyness and my inability to show affection it was doomed from the start. He wanted me to always be as excited as he was about having an international relationship with language exchange, but first and foremost for me a relationship is about person to person, human to human. Not teacher to student. I just wanted to know him as a person, but since I really would not allow myself to get all caught up in that girly, go crazy over your man, love syndrome most women go through at the start, it all just blew up. I think my problem is that I've watched so many of my friends throw themselves under a bus emotionally, for the sake of some crap guy's love, I just can't imagine doing that for some dude. The man gets everything( heart and body) and the woman gains nothing but some good, maybe not even that, some decent dick. I'm not gonna let someone do that to me. The only way I'm gonna be all real and a little more girly emotionally is if they show me a lot of affection first and I just learn to get used to it or they move me so much mentally that I would be willing to reach out and put myself out there. For now I wait. Another year of being around men I wanna hug, with my arms folded across my chest trying to hold back the urge to hug the person I want close. I'll just keep waiting for the future to be different.
p.s. here is a nice quote I found on fear of love
"We become so comfortable living the dream, that reality becomes scary. And when life presents you an opportunity we sometimes are afraid to chase after it. Where in our dream you are in control, in life we only have partial control."
-Chrmingo
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